


somewhere a clock is ticking

by itainthardtryin



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 07:23:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3759514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itainthardtryin/pseuds/itainthardtryin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a Commander comes of age at eighteen, they have the ability to see the lifespan of everyone around them, but not their own. The first thing she notices about Clarke is that she has twenty-five days to live.</p>
<p>(There is character death and major angst and I apologise in advance.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	somewhere a clock is ticking

 

When Lexa wakes on the morning she turns eighteen, the world looks completely different. Every person has a number. Some numbers are in the thousands. Some are in single digits. She wonders what they mean.

She doesn’t mention it to Anya. She keeps it to herself and tries to figure it out.

She’s on a hunt that afternoon with three of her clan - two of her guards have numbers in the hundreds. The third’s number is zero.

When a spear pierces through him and his limp body falls from his horse, Lexa is filled with fear as she thinks she’s already worked out what it means.

She hosts a feast that evening in Tondc to help mark the beginning of her nineteenth year. She is distracted the entire time by surveying her people. She notes that there are only a few whose numbers are less than three digits. She takes it as a good sign.

 

\---

 

Lexa adjusts to her new world quickly. At first, it filled her with fear but she’s learned to find comfort in it.

She starts to notice patterns. That there are many identical numbers. She tries to count them up. It’s enough to make an army. All of them have fifty-two days left to live.

 

\---

 

The Sky People fall to the ground unexpectedly.

It explains why so many of her people are coming to the end of their days.

She knows the war is coming before it happens.

She knows the fate of her warriors before she sends them into battle. Lexa knows there’s nothing she can do to save them.

She had tried. She had kept people from going on hunts, ordered them to remain inside tents. But accidents happened, people turned on each other, arguments went too far. Everyone who was meant to pass on, did. Lexa couldn’t save them.

She figures out that this is how Commanders before her have been able to lead so well. This is how she can make the right decisions.

She knows that three hundred of her people are going to be taken from her, so she sends them into battle to invade the Sky People’s base.

Lexa accepts that they will not return.

 

\---

 

She meets Clarke two weeks later.

She is beautiful. But that is the second thing Lexa notices about her.

The first thing she notices is that Clarke has twenty-five days left to live.

 

\---

 

Lexa hasn’t allowed herself to care about anyone since she started seeing the length of their lives. It would be easy, she thinks, to choose someone who is guaranteed a lifetime. Who has decades to live. She could protect her heart from breaking.

But her heart doesn’t want to be protected.

Her heart wants Clarke.

 

\---

 

Clarke has twenty-one days left to live when she saves Lexa from being eaten alive.

“Leave me!” Lexa shouts, willing Clarke to put her out of her misery. This death will be quick. It will be painful, yes, but will be over in seconds.

It would be a better alternative than losing Clarke.

But Clarke doesn’t listen.

“I’m still new to your culture, but when someone saves your life, my people say thank you.”

Lexa doesn’t have the heart to explain that Clarke may have saved her life, but she cannot save her from a fate much worse.

 

\---

 

Clarke has fourteen days left to live when Lexa kisses her.

“Maybe life should be about more than just surviving,” Clarke tells her.

Lexa’s mind runs wild. She knows that people don’t survive, no matter how hard they try. Death is written, days are numbered.

“Don’t we deserve better than that?” Lexa couldn’t agree more. She has been so angry. Angry at the world for taking everyone she loves. Angry that she has to watch as everyone’s final days draw closer.

“Maybe we do,” she says.

She kisses Clarke and for a second she forgets that these lips will be gone two weeks from now. That the cheek she rests her hand on will be left to turn to dust.

She adjusts her kiss, but Clarke pulls away. “I’m not ready to be with anyone. Not yet.”

Lexa wants to scream at her that she doesn’t have time for hesitation. She may die before she has the chance to decide.

 

\---

 

The following day they storm Mount Weather. Lexa knows Clarke will survive this battle. She knows the rest will too. There will be fewer casualties than expected.

Lexa takes the deal from Cage. His number is zero. He will no longer be an issue.

Her people are freed, and she leaves Clarke to fight.

“I made this decision with my head, not my heart.”

Her heart wants to be close to Clarke. Every second of every day. But she knows she needs to lead her people away from Mount Weather.

The Mountain Men are going to die. All of them wiped out. She doesn’t want to be there when it happens.

So she does what she has to do.

“May we meet again.”

Lexa will make sure the next thirteen days do not pass without seeing Clarke. She knows they will meet again.

Clarke doesn’t.

She turns her back on Clarke and walks away.

 

\---

 

Lexa sends a messenger to Camp Jaha two days later to request a meeting with Clarke. The messenger responds with the news that Clarke’s location is unknown.

For the first time since Costia, Lexa cries.

 

\---

 

She spends the next week ordering guards to find Clarke. Indra questions her motives, and Lexa pins her against the wall, blade glistening against her throat.

“You do not question the Commander,” she growls before freeing her.

Indra does not bother her again.

 

\---

 

The nights are long and Lexa barely sleeps.

She thinks of her ability, of how it has been a blessing in battle and a curse to her heart. Her mind wanders to Costia. She was so young. Lexa wonders if she would have loved Costia in the way that she did if she could see her days draw closer to zero.

In some ways, she believes that it proves her love for Clarke runs deeper than any love she’s experienced before.

That she admitted her feelings, that she let Clarke in, despite knowing she’s going to be taken from her.

 

\---

 

Lexa marks Clarke’s final days in charcoal on the floor beside her bed, rubbing them out as each one passes.

There are four marks left, and Lexa’s hope begins to fade.

 

\---

 

The next time they meet, Clarke has three days to live.

Lexa is on a hunt and hears a rustle in the forest. “Lower your weapons,” she commands.

Clarke makes her way out of the trees and onto the path.

“Clarke,” Lexa says in wonder.

“Lexa?”

“Stand down,” she orders her guards. “I wish to speak with Clarke privately.”

They nod, and turn their horses on their heels, galloping off in the opposite direction.

Lexa dismounts. She can’t read Clarke’s expression.

“May I take you somewhere?” Lexa asks. She does not have the luxury of wasting time.

“You left me to die, Lexa.” Clarke isn’t angry. She is heartbroken.

“I had no doubt that you would survive.”

“You turned your back on me and walked away when I needed you most.” Clarke is devastated, and Lexa’s chest aches.

“You led your people to victory, Clarke. I knew you would.”

Tears spill from Clarke’s eyes, but she continues like she hasn’t noticed them. “And what if I hadn’t? What if we’d lost?”

“I knew that was not going to be the outcome.”

Silence hangs between them, yet their eye contact is unwavering. Clarke cries and Lexa watches.

“How can I possibly trust you again?” Clarke asks in a whisper.

“To ask such a thing would be too much. I have only one request of you, Clarke. That you remain in my company.” Clarke seems to soften slightly when she understands that Lexa accepts what she has done.

“Where are you going?” Clarke asks, still hesitant.

“We were gathering food for the people of Polis. But I wish to take to you the ridge. The view is beautiful.”

Clarke considers it for long moments before consenting. Lexa helps her onto the horse, before mounting it herself. “It would be wise to hold on to something,” Lexa says before they move. Clarke’s arms wrap around her waist and Lexa smiles.

 

\---

 

The ridge is Lexa’s favorite place to spend time alone. She can see the valley below, the mountains in the distance and the river running through the forest. It acts as a reminder that there are forces larger than her, that she is a grain of sand and the world is a beach.

“Did I mean anything to you?” Clarke asks, never taking her eyes off the view in front of them.

Lexa swallows. “You mean everything, Clarke.”

That draws her gaze away from the scenery and back to Lexa. “Then why?”

“You would not understand.”

“I get that your people come first, Lexa. I _do_ understand. But I thought we were…” she trails off. “I don’t know. I thought we were something.”

“There are greater forces dictating our lives than the duty to protect my people,” Lexa says in an even tone. She looks Clarke in the eye. “To explain to you would be to destroy you. And I will not allow myself to do that.”

Lexa is thankful when Clarke doesn’t ask any other questions.

 

\---

 

Clarke joins her in Polis. Stays in her quarters, but not in her bed.

Lexa wakes up before Clarke. Her number is now one.

Lexa takes time to watch Clarke sleep. To take in how her hair falls over her face, how her chest rises and falls. She struggles to contain her emotion when she remembers that Clarke’s final breath will be taken tomorrow.

Clarke wakes when Lexa coughs, clearing her throat in an attempt to maintain her composure.

Lexa stumbles backwards, trying not to let Clarke see what she had been doing.

Clarke figures it out.

“It’s rude to watch people sleep,” Clarke mumbles.

“Not when they are beautiful,” Lexa tells her.

Clarke smiles.

 

\---

 

Lexa takes Clarke star gazing that night.

“Does the sky still feel like home to you, Clarke?” she asks as they both lie on their backs looking into the darkness above.

“No,” Clarke says. “It wasn’t much of a life.”

Lexa desperately tries to think of anything other than the fact that Clarke’s life will only span eighteen years. One year, six months longer than Costia. But still not enough.

Centuries would not be long enough.

“It cannot be worse than the ground,” Lexa whispers. “Our days are numbered here.” It’s as close as she gets to an admission.

“Our days were numbered on the Ark, too,” Clarke reminds her.

Lexa closes her eyes and breathes deeply to steady herself. “I love you, Clarke.”

The words hang in the fresh night air, and Lexa doesn’t dare open her eyes. It takes fifteen seconds for Clarke’s hand to find Lexa’s on the grass in between them. She holds it gently.

“I love you, too,” she whispers.

Lexa commits the words to memory.

It may be the only time she ever hears them.

 

\---

 

When Lexa looks at Clarke and sees ‘zero’, she breaks down.

It unsettles Clarke. She’s never seen Lexa like this.

Truth is, no-one has _ever_ seen Lexa like this. Because this is the first time Lexa has cried this hard in her life.

“Lexa!” Clarke shouts in panic, running over to kneel in front of where Lexa’s sitting on the edge of her bed. “Lexa, what’s wrong?”

She cannot possibly begin to explain what’s wrong.

“Look at me,” Clarke says in a steady voice. Clarke is asking the one thing she can’t do. If she looks her in the eye, she will break into pieces that cannot be put back together.

Clarke holds her, and Lexa grasps desperately to her, never wanting to let her go.

 

\---

 

Lexa doesn’t leave Clarke’s side all day.

They don’t talk about her breakdown.

The sun begins to lower in the sky, and Lexa thinks maybe Clarke’s countdown is a glitch. A mistake.

 

\---

 

It happens so fast that Lexa barely notices.

All she knows is that she’s falling to her knees, and everything is blurred.

Clarke rushes to her side as her body lands on the ground. “No, no, no! Lexa! No, please!” She’s sure Clarke is screaming. It sounds like she’s miles away. “Lexa, stay awake!”

Lexa sees blurred figures running in the opposite direction.

But Clarke stays where she is.

She brings a weak arm up to feel the arrow lodged in her chest and she knows it’s fatal. She’s been shot many times in the past, but she can feel the difference.

“I can’t do this without you,” Clarke whispers. She smiles.

“You won’t have to,” she says weakly. 

Lexa watches as Clarke’s lips part to speak, but she is cut off before she has the chance.

An arrow lodges itself in Clarke’s chest.

She falls limp beside her.

 

\---

 

When a commander comes of age at eighteen, they learn that everything comes to an end.

But when a commander falls in love after eighteen, three weeks can feel like forever.


End file.
